Introspection

I am in a disabled writers workshop. It is an amazing experience so far. I have met many talented disabled writers who are taking part in the workshop. It has also challenged me to think about myself in different ways. I am so happy I have been a part of this workshop.

I wish to share a little something I wrote in response to the question, “What do you wish people knew about you?”

I wish people knew how hard I work every minute of the day to understand the world around me. I wish people could come with me inside my mind. To see how I think, how I don’t hear my thoughts but I see them played out in ASL or typed words flying past me like a train. I see every part of my day over and over from different angles filling in what I missed in the moment. Deafblind is not what people imagine. I see more than most, I have to. Because I don’t see clearly. I smell, taste and feel the moment and picture it from that. I focus my sight on the clearest image and build the experience with my other senses. I wish I could turn my mind off sometimes but I don’t believe I would enjoy it.

I wish people could see that I am a person with feelings. Sometimes people don’t think I feel pain. I think people have a perspective that I don’t have emotions. People will do something hurtful and never apologize or pretend it never happened. Like it wasn’t important to be nice because it is just Scott, the deafblind guy. I think I am still waiting for people to speak to me and see me as an intelligent, emotional person, and not the guy who doesn’t talk so can’t feel. I wish people knew I knew they would cancel or forget my birthday or not invite me or pretend they did something that they didn’t, even just text me first sometimes. I wish someone would please tell me that they are my constant, the one that reaches out, that is a reliable connection. So many people are kind in the moment, but most forget me when I’m not there. I wish I wasn’t the person that was the last choice, the person everyone cancels on when something else comes up.

I am just sharing this because I feel strongly about trying to be kind to everyone. I try hard to do this and I don’t want to sound rude but I wonder why others don’t. I also want others out there who experience the same thing to know they are not alone. I understand.

I have really struggled getting back into school work the last couple of weeks. This workshop is helping me regain my focus. I wish I could just skip grade 12. Alas, not a good idea. I will make this blog post short and get back to English.

Whatever you are struggling with getting started, I hope you feel the energy to begin.