Today I am going to have a spectacular day. I don’t want to say why I am so excited, but I am going to explain why I am so sure today will be spectacular. I have anxiety, OCD, and I am dealing with past trauma. But today, I am without any of it. Today I woke up and I feel lighter. I know everything is still lingering in the crevices of my brain, but today I woke up and the part of me that makes me work for peace decided to sleep in. What an awesome feeling. I love when this happens. Everything is easier, my shoulders are not weighted by my thoughts. I can stand tall today. Oh wow I so appreciate writing. On a day like today the words are so easy. On happy days I see my words without a struggle to find clarity. On bad days my mind is cloudy I have difficulty washing away the fog to see my thoughts clearly. I am so tired of always thinking of how to find the words, as it can be so difficult to write what I want to say when my mind is so cluttered. My brain simply cannot stop turning and sometimes all my thoughts are twisted into some giant word jumble. Today the jumble has disentangled.
I don’t know what the problem has been. I have had a great month. I successfully walked across the stage on my own to receive my high school diploma, I completed my first paid presentation, I have been swimming and paddling, I had the chocolate bar that I helped create become a reality, and the T-shirt ideas I proposed have successfully launched. I have also graduated high school! I’m so proud of myself. It was so awesome to spend time learning and working on my academic development, but I had so much going on that I stopped enjoying it. I worked so hard and I couldn’t stop because if I did I would not graduate. I’m nineteen. I already had an extra year of school. I needed to finish now. I needed to finish with my friends, not as an adult learner. But because of all the work I needed to do, and the extra time I took to work on assignments, I missed seeing my friends as much as I wanted to. It was a struggle to find the balance I needed. I hope I can find the time now to start new friendships and strengthen old ones. I’m so grateful to have friends that understand what I have been working on and who have supported me. I love my friends.
I’m feeling a sense of relief with my life right now. I did what most people thought I could not do. I graduated with honours from high school. I did it. I never had a plan to graduate when I first started typing, I just wanted to learn. I think I enjoyed learning at first but then it became tedious. The assignments sometimes felt as if they were there just because, and not for learning. So much time spent on assignments that didn’t teach me anything of interest and so little time focused on what I really wanted to learn. Oh I know what you are thinking. He’s just complaining because he’s a kid who didn’t like the work. Not true, I put in extra time to learn about the assignments of interest. But I still don’t understand why some assignments seemed to have no purpose other than just work to be assigned. I actually stopped enjoying my favourite subjects because the assignments became tedious and were failing to provide me with a satisfactory level of learning. I love learning, but I don’t enjoy pointless work. The assignments that had a clear purpose or a subject of interest I so enjoyed. I was very lucky that I could have a little fun while studying because I really enjoyed learning. I think I understand why some students struggle with school in later grades, they just don’t have any excitement left. The assignments have lost their appeal. I only had 3 1/2 years of academic assignments and I got bored with some of the work. I can’t imagine going through all of school and staying engaged with some of the boring stuff.
I’m taking a gap year before university, to avoid burnout. I’m tired and I just need to focus on different activities for a while. I have been working on independence skills. I need a little guidance with some things for a few reasons and I want to learn how to be self sufficient. I am trying to create an environment of fun to do this. I am trying to become better in the kitchen, and cooking food is fun.
I’m working on an idea for a book. A short story book for young adults. I am not sure if I am a good enough writer yet to publish a book like this but writing is something I enjoy and it seems like a great idea to have when taking a gap year. I think this is also a good time to explore ideas.
Thank you for continuing to follow my blog. Have a fantastic summer. Remember that you are awesome and deserve some fun and rest. We are smiling at the moment because I was feeling sad yesterday and today I’m just awesome. I’m wanting you to remember if you’re doing not so great that a better day will come.